If you happened to be lured in by the title of this post and think that you may find some great advice on building up your muscles for shooting your bow better, or learning to climb mountains with more efficiency, let me just say now - I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Girls, this one is for you - for all the lady hunters out there with amazing quad muscles due to spending time hunting in the woods. This muscle strength is not due to all the walking and hiking, but rather super muscle tenacity born out of the necessity of relieving oneself where a porcelain throne is nowhere to be found.
I honestly don't think the guys realize how easy they have it in this area. How many times have we pulled over in the truck at our final destination, and the men simply step out and turn the other direction. Problem solved for them. Not me. Every rut, boulder and crevice has been hit by our truck traveling down the dirt road, and with each bounce my bladder stretches and swells like a water balloon threatening to burst at any moment. Now in order to bring relief, I have to walk what seems like a mile because the tree line is sparse or the grove of aspen with it's twinkling little leaves does a poor job of providing any cover. Upon finding a spot where I can blend in appropriately, I then have to dig a little hole. Okay, you may be asking yourself here, why? Just go! Let me explain...
There is a little thing called gravity. When you have consumed a couple cups of coffee, the amount of liquid that can be expelled from one's body can be great. Therefore, it is important to not have to be adjusting the assumed squat position and dancing around puddles while trying to keep your scent free pants wrapped around your ankles, boots and anything tied to your pants from accidentally touching the river now flowing down the side of the hill. It is better to dig a little hole first. Comprende?
Then as your quad muscles begin to scream during the balancing act performance, you begin to wonder, "Did I find a concealed enough spot?" "Is my sun deprived rear end lighting up this hillside like the harvest moon?" (Have I mentioned my idea of camouflage butt paint before?) And as you move to adjust for the new tributary forming from the puddle below, some unseen weed has just poked you in the butt. And don't forget about the bugs!
I guess there is an upside to all of this squatting tribulation. Girls, when all the hiking in the wilderness brings about other urges than just bladder maintenance, we have great muscle tenacity for the job! However, it still may be a good idea to do a little pre-season quad muscle conditioning. I suppose you could just bring a home-made poop chair, but that may look a bit ridiculous strapped to your pack while hunting in the back country. Oh, and whatever you do - don't wear winter overalls with bad zippers. Have you seen the hunting scene from the movie New In Town? Enough said.
P.s. please don't go reporting me to the woodland police for going potty in the woods, but if you do, I may just have a similar response as this Texas judge.